Let The Wild Rumpus Begin!

but he wasnt trying to let it fall apart, Kevin's POV, R

2009-04-26T17:39:19Z

Title: But He Wasn't Trying To Let It Fall Apart

Author: Politelypuzzled

Rating: R, Rape, Incest, Sad things and language

Pairing: Joick, Onesided Kevinick, Kevin's POV

Word Count: 13,197

Dedication: Goodbye Nikki, Goodbye Jess, Hello Misery, I'll welcome my new guest

Summary: And Mercutio watched with sad, sad eyes, as Romeo and Juliet decided to die

Companion piece to He Was The Most Beautiful Tragedy Of All and He Never Told You What Made Him So Sad...please read those before this one, its important. Cross posted to JSlash, but i posted the others here so I want to make sure they're all on here.

a/n:Gotta say this is my favorite section of this series or whatever you want to call it. Worked really hard on it and am quite proud of how it turned out. The abuse factor needs three sides, the boys just work that way :D

Let me know what you think
Peace
--

You are the oldest, the protector, the saint.

You think you’ve only ever been a sinner.

You failed your bothers; your mother; your family

You failed God

You failed yourself

You sat back and watched as everything fell apart and you could have stopped it

Or at least that’s what you keep telling yourself

You don’t really think it makes a difference now

--

You remember the first time you saw Joseph; small and pink, he wailed in your mother’s arms. His mouth this tiny “O” as he cried and cried and you thought that maybe that was all he could do but your mom was smiling, in all her exhausted glory and your dad looked so proud that you wondered what made this little wiggly pile of blankets so special. But when Daddy plopped you down on that hospital bed and you squirmed your way into Mommy’s lap and you got a good look at your new baby brother, you smiled so wide that your cheeks hurt.

The best part was that he smiled right back.

You think it was then that you decided you wouldn’t let anything touch him. Ever.

Too bad you broke that promise

--

Joseph gets bigger and you guys are close, best friends probably and you like chasing him around the house and coloring on things you aren’t supposed to and how he laughs and claps in delight whenever you get in trouble and the days are long and full of smiles and warmth and feeling safe.

You call him Broseph and he tugs on your curls and calls you
Paul cause he can’t say Kevin yet but you don’t mind cause he’ll get it eventually. Mommy’s tummy starts to get big again and when you find out it’s cause you're going to be getting another brother or sister, you’re so excited because you love Joseph so much and you think it will be awesome for him to feel that love for someone else besides you and Mommy and Daddy.

Joseph doesn’t seem to feel the same way, until you show him that how if he closes his eyes and presses his ear against Mommy’s stomach, that sometimes you can feel the new baby kicking, or better yet, its heartbeat. After you teach him that, he can’t wait to meet “Da pest” because he wants to show them all the things you showed him and three is always better than two anyway so even though you feel a little jealous, you know it’s going to be fun.

Nicholas has curls and big dark eyes and you don’t know who loves him more; you or Joseph.

You don’t think it really matters

--

In your life, you always felt that there were times where you just sat back and watched from the sidelines. You like to tell yourself that you were always right there, right up front, but if you’re completely honest; that’s not true.

--

You’re nine when you start to think that Nicholas is replacing you in Joseph’s heart. You can see it in the way he laughs and smiles and plays with Nicholas. It’s like how you used to be. When you ask if he wants to climb the tree in the backyard with you, he doesn’t even look up from the tower he’s building with Nicholas as he tells you that he can’t because “Nicky-las can’t climb trees” and it would be “unfair”.

The “prince of unfair tantrums” has just pulled a fast one over on you and you feel kind of numb with it. You stumble out to the orchard and refuse to come down even though Mom made your favorite—spaghetti and meatballs—because it was your birthday. But that doesn’t matter because Joseph didn’t remember and Nicholas can’t even count so fine, you’ll stay up in this tree and rot for all you care.

You wonder if your brothers would notice.

--

You like Craig and maybe a part of you is jealous when he goes upstairs with just Joey and how he’s always telling Joseph how different and pretty he is from everyone else and the look in Joseph’s eyes confuses you for a while cause he should be ecstatic about the fact that this totallyawesomebigkid pays him all the attention.

But one night, after Nicholas has fallen asleep on the couch and you kind of smashed your finger unloading the dishwasher and need a band aid, you try to open the bathroom door but it’s locked and you wouldn’t really think anything of it but you can hear muffled crying and whispers on the other side and you’re a bit sneaky—you are related to Joseph after all—so you look through the key hole and at first you don’t understand.

Craig is touching Joseph and Joseph is crying; his face all red and snot running down his chin and he’s only eight and you don’t comprehend it at all. What kind of game is this? If it’s making Joseph cry than you defiantly don’t want to play and you scurry away and pet Nicholas’s head while he sleeps on the couch and think about what you just saw.

You decide that it’s too late to help Joseph and that you should just focus on protecting Nicholas.

Yeah, that seems like a good idea

You think Joseph would agree

--

You’re thirteen when Nicholas starts performing on Broadway and Joseph starts telling everyone to call him “Joe” because he hates “Joseph”.

You think you're the only one that knows he’s not talking about the name

Dad has to drive Nicholas down to “The Big Apple” most nights and sometimes they just rent a hotel room or stay with Nana, so you don’t see a lot of Nicholas for a little over a year and you and Joe argue about how unfair it is that Nicholas doesn’t have to go to school but you two do.

Mom just shakes her head at you both and makes you go across the street to play with Maya while she takes care of Franklin.

Franklin is your youngest brother now. Nicholas is no longer the baby and you think that maybe now, you and Joe can go back to being best friends cause Nicholas will have Franklin, whenever he’s around anyway.

But Joe still isn’t really talking to you and that’s stupid cause he’s the only other person in the house whose willing to climb trees and run down by the old creek and throw rocks at passing cars.

You don’t tell him, but you kind of wish that Franklin had been born a girl. You wish this because maybe she would have been prettier than Joe and Joe would be able to stop acting like sucha jerk all the time, just to prove he isn’t a wimp or anything.

You know girls make him sing at school and that a lot of the other boys beat him up and you know that Craig still “plays games” with him in the upstairs bathroom and it makes you sick.

Because you’re older now and you kind of know what all that touching means and you hate Craig; you hate him so much, but you cant do anything. Because you’re just a thirteen-year-old wallflower, oddball, preacher’s boy with curly hair and a brother on Broadway and another brother who gets called names like “faggot” and “homo” on the playground.

You start to wonder if anyone will remember you

For anything

--

You go to middle school and leave Joe and Nicholas back in elementary school. Mom talks about home schooling all of you but you’re in seventh grade and only babies are home schooled. You tell her she can have Joe and Nicholas.

They’re best friends anyway; they’d probably like that.

Plus, you’re kind of popular in school now. You open doors for people and remember your manners and know how to talk to girls and everyone’s impressed with you. You get good grades and hang out with the right people and you’re parents are proud of you. You keep playing the guitar and even write some of your own songs—when you’re not at the skate park or over walking the train tracks with some of the guys in your class—and sometimes Joe and Nicholas will harmonize with you, just for fun.

And Nicholas, who’s starting to go by “Nick”, is really good, like scarily good and he’s playing all sorts of instruments and working on songs and singing and suddenly all the attention is back on him and you and Joe get reacquainted with the shadows.

You kind of knew you’d get back there some day

It’s funny how things pick up from that point on

--

Nick gets diagnosed around the same time you guys “make it big”. Which really isn’t that big at all.

You’re eighteen and everything about your life is still one big joke. At least you and Joe are close again; even if he still manages to be closer to Nick in the process

Maybe too close

The thing with Nick’s diabetes is that, at one point, you seriously think he’s going to die and so does Joe and he clings to you, like a five year old, not a sixteen year old, and sobs into your shoulder in the waiting room. The red plastic chairs are hard and cut into your side as you hold onto your brother.

He has tears streaming down his cheeks and snot dripping from his nose

You’re looking at him through the bathroom keyhole all over again

You hug him tighter to you

You think you’re trying to make up for all the other times you didn’t do this

Didn’t “do” the right thing

Nick doesn’t die and you all learn the meaning of “Insulin” and “Blood sugar levels” and “What to do if he goes into diabetic shock”. It’s scary at first but you get the hang of it. Joe even checks levels with Nick every morning, until he realizes that maybe his coming up “normal” every time, isn’t helping Nick feel any better.

Nick says it stops hurting after about a month

You want that to be a lie

Pain is what makes you human

--

You only take Joe to that party because you want him to have a good time, because you hate all the strain that this stupid Columbia Records shit is putting on all of you guys and Joe especially. So you talk him into tagging along and you drape an arm across his shoulders and he leans into when you guys walk there and it’s nice.

Like it hasn’t been in a long, long time

When you get there, it’s all loud music and pot smoke and beer and rowdy laughing and you can’t help the lazy grin that works its way across your face. Because for once in your life you’re the one showing Joe what “cool” is.

You don’t drink cause alcohol makes you sick and you’d just rather not be high, but you let Joe take some cause you’re not an ass and he has a right to experiment if he wants.

You go to get a soda and when you come back, no one really know where he is and so you brush it off cause hey, kids will be kids, and it’s fine if Joe wants to do his own thing.

That’s what you brought him here for in the first place

You’re making out with this girl from your Economics class when Craig comes swaggering into the living room and you kind of feel really hot and then really cold all over because what the fuck is he doing here and did he see Joe? and he smiles all wide at you, all predatory and gross and you can’t help it.

You punch him right in the stupid dumb face

Cause he’s an asshole whose been molesting your brother since Joe was eight and you never did a thing to stop it

It makes you as sick as him in your book

Someone’s screaming at you to stop and then you’re being pulled off Craig’s limp form, and wow, you never knew you had it in you to knock someone out but it feels fuckin good so you add another kick for good measure. Your friends are all staring at you in this openly, drunkenly shocked kind of way but that doesn’t really matter because you need to find Joe and leave. Now.

You brush back your hair—Joe helped you straighten it earlier—and stalk out of there. You find Joe curled up in a ball in some bedroom upstairs and his pants are undone and his shirts kind of ripped and he looks so damn young that you have to hate Craig all over again.

And yourself too

“Come on, let’s go,” You mutter darkly and lean in the doorway while he gets up and straightens himself out. You don’t help because Joe isn’t weak and you don’t want him thinking he is. You cup your hand on the back of his neck when he passes but he brushes you off

It takes everything you’ve got not to hug him

Not to ask him why he’s limping

It’s better if he hates you

Even if it kills you in the process

--

You watch Joe die and you watch him kill Nick in the aftermath

You allow it because it’s already your fault

You weren’t strong enough to stop it and you weren’t present enough to notice when it matter so why start now?

You suspect what Joe does to Nick in the dark. When he doesn’t think anyone can hear, when he thinks the night will hide all of his dirty little secrets; but you can hear them, and you can see the bruises on Nick’s wrists and the dull grey of Joe’s eyes. You can feel each wince Nick takes when Joe touches him and you shed each tear Joe swallows when he pounds his fist into the bathroom wall

They aren’t your brothers anymore

These are ghosts

You try and keep on breathing for them

It doesn’t really work

--

The music is the only thing you live for anymore

All of you

On the stage, no one can touch you and you can’t touch anyone

You’re brothers up here, in the glaring lights and cool affects. You’re gods of a sort and happy too. It feels right. The adrenaline and bass and screams; all of it.

You wish you could just live up there. Until someone told you to stop or until you just all collapsed from the strain

It would be better than the silent death descending upon you now

--

When you find Nick, drunk and alone, on your old Jersey street corner, your heart breaks all over again

You didn’t really think that was possible, since your heart shattered so long ago

He looks so lost, so young, so venerable

You always wanted nothing more than to give him the world and instead you fed him to the wolves. The ones you raised yourself.

You’re as guilty as a sin

He looks at you, with wide desperate eyes and maybe that why you let him kiss you. Maybe that’s why you let him tug you so much closer that what’s appropriate and you think your mind is screaming about how wrong this is but it’s Nick, little Nicholas, and you’ve never been able to deny him anything and he’s just hurting so much. You want to fix it; you want everything to be okay

Even if it is a little too late

Nick laughs when you break apart; this terrifying, chocking kind of laughter that sends shivers up your spine because it’s not him. It’s dead and cold and hysterical and you know he’s broken.

You all are really

And you don’t think there’s enough glue in the world to put you back together

--

You’re a witness the night Nick fights back

You lean on the wall by the bathroom door and close your eyes and pray to a God who doesn’t listen, for this to not be happening. You ask over and over again to wakeupwakeupwakeup and have dreamt the past 12 years of your life but that’s not possible and you know it

You hear them arguing, in low harsh tones because Mom and Dad are only on the other side of the house and Franklin’s room is just right down the hall and for all they know, you’re out with Danielle

You haven’t been out with Danielle in ages

Because you’re horrible and deserve to be alone and miserable

Like your brothers

You hear a grunt and a cut off cry and you can’t help it anymore

You have to look; you can’t pretend this isn’t happening

You already know what you’re going to see

Doesn’t make it any less painful

You want to throw up and you want to hit them at the same time. You just stare instead. Nick, darling sweet Nicholas, is crushing Joe, insanely funny Joseph between the wall and his body and they’re tangled at ugly angles.

You want to close your eyes but you watch—mesmerized, like a person observing a car crash—as Nicholas whispers vicious little secrets into Joseph’s ear, things that make him shudder and arch back before painting the wall with white. You watch Nicholas wilt and Joseph crumple and you turn away at last because you feel just as dirty.

Just as ugly and raw

You make it halfway down the hall before you have to stop because the weight of guilt is crashing down around you. You sink to the ground, back pressed up against the wall and sob into your hands because this is your fault

All your fault

And you’re going to have to live with it forever

You wish that at least, you were happy about it

And it seems there is nothing to do but DANCE ABOUT IN THE NUDDYPANTS!!!

2009-04-24T19:42:01Z

so today my wisdom teeth said goodbye mouth and that was at eight this morning...I am currently on vikaden and laughing at the most ridiculous things...god lord fml.com is the best...I actually have one that deals with the jobros lol...I'll tell you fools later because now I am armed with all the seasons of ER, tons of Russell brand stand up, the confessions of georgia nicholsons lates book, judd appatow movies, ice cream and of course the Internet!

My lovely B is coming over to luuuurve me up later and that is moi moi moi fab fab fabbity and so now I shall enjoy my weekend of relaxousity and try to convince my vati not to make me go to school Monday :DDDD

Would you lot read if I posted about five stories this weekend? Cause I'm so up for it...I just want to be sure people will read them :) and Sirius I have the photo challenge almost done and you are for sure the best for letting me do It :)

J I wanna know how things are going....what's the latest if you don't mind saying, even if we decided not to be friends at the moment I want to know you're alright becase as much as I want to stop carrying I can't :( so talk?

Anywhosit my fabbygrooeyluuurvers talk to your poor politelypuzzled maddi....I miss the ace gang...you lot know who you are :)

posted to jslash but it got no love

2009-04-12T10:12:23Z

Below The Influence
Joick
PG-13

As life gets longer, awful feels softer and it feels pretty soft to me. And if it takes shit to make bliss, then I feel pretty blissfully- Modest Mouse, “The View”

a/n: Companion piece to B’s latest. Been awhile since I’ve written but maybe that cause I’m too busy fucking up my life to really write anything. And to think that things were going so well
Peace.
--

You’re pretty sure you could hold the title for “World’s Largest Asshole” and still be positive that even that isn’t a fair enough title for what you are.

You woke up again with your shoes half on and your clothes rumpled. Your hair sticks to your forehead at all angles and you can’t remember if it’s straight, or curly. It doesn’t matter because your head is fucking splitting itself open. You groan and roll off your bed and onto the floor, it’s not that far away. You land on top of Garbo.

What the fuck?

Last night isn’t really that clear, but you remember David calling you to come out to some party and you texted Garbo and said you’d be picking him up in fifteen and that he’d better have “that smoke and dat drank mother fucka!”

He did

He always does

It’s pretty much the only thing you can rely on him to have. You wonder sometimes why you guys are so close. But then he makes you laugh and it’s all good and you guess you love him, the stupid fucker

Nick’s standing in the doorway, his arms crossed and a look on his face. You know he’s judging you

Even if he says he’s not

You just roll your eyes and play it off easy, plaster that shit-eater grin on and stumble into the bathroom next door. When you come out, Nick hands you Advil and stalks away.

You’ll apologize to him later

You always do

Maybe cause he always says he forgives you

--

You love Nick

You think that’s your biggest sin

Next to the drinking…

And the drugs

And the “lifestyle”

As Nicky so kindly calls it

You can’t really put your finger on why exactly you live like this. Behind that constant visage of goody-goody two shoes when really, you can’t see straight let alone think for all the shit you’re putting into your body.

You guess you like the buzz, the feel, like everything is getting pushed away. You like the deep conversations and the way you can say whatever you want to whomever you want.

You don’t like thinking that that’s the only reason you tell Nick you love him anymore

Mainly cause you can’t fuckin tell

And that’s just fucking pathetic

--

You forget to call Nick when you’re out on nights like those

Nights with the boys

Forget, or you call too much

Like when it’s just you and Andy, smoking bowls and driving around with nowhere to go, and you can’t stop calling Nick. Like every five minuets and you tell him everything that’s going on around you and you laugh, extra loud and ramble on about how Andy can’t drive and how it’s almost like Nick’s with you in the car if you just focus on his voice.

You like that way of thinking

But Nick gets this edge to his words and with your high comes this perception to read people more than you would like, more than they would like, and you know he’s disappointed. You can just feel it, even over the phone line.

He denies it when you call him out on it

He says he’s used to it by now, that you never call him sober anymore, so he doesn’t mind

Fuckin liar

You hate him cause he’s right

You text when you’re sober and call when you’re not

What a baby

You hate yourself, even long after you’ve hung up

--

You’ve long ago put away the possibilities of staying clean; you’ve long ago decided that you don’t really care because, fuck, you know you’re addicted, you know you need help

But you still pride yourself on the small things

Like that you’ve probably bought the weed you smoke about twice in your life, or that you only bought a pack of Newports once and even then, you had Drake get them for you. And you kindofneverreally buy the drink unless Garbo or Ryan asks you to put up.

You kind of get carried and bum off your friends but they don’t really care and you spot them right back so you guys all end up even

You used to wish that Nick would just fuckin kick back and relax; smoke with you or something cause he’s always been an awkward kid and you just want him to have a good time when he comes out with you.

You don’t think he ever would

And now you realize that you and Nick are two completely different people and thats awesome in so many ways and horrible in all the rest.

You stop asking Nick to come out with you and work on trying to be sober whenever you two do spend time together

It works for the most part

Sometimes…

You don’t think he can tell the difference anymore

--

The two of you hung out with Garbo the other day, before that huge party some guys you kind of know, were throwing and Garbo’s pumped and so are you and you just can’t wait to get there but you wanna see Nick cause you haven’t in so long and so you call him and he laughs and he meets you and Garbo at the mall.

It’s nice, Nick spots you a few bucks for the shirt you really want—he’s always loaning you money cause you’re always broke—and you guys drive around and end up at a music store.

It’s really nice, you share headphones and Garbo makes Nick laugh and it’s cool and when Nick leaves he thrusts this awesome scarf and a fat stack of letters at you.

The scarf smells just like him, like vanilla and warm and Garbo smiles at you when you make him smell it

“That’s nice dude, real nice. Good kid, good kid,”

It makes you smile really wide, really super wide and punch Garbo in the arm when he makes a kissy face at you

You’re blushing all kinds of red and you know you love Nick

For serious

--

That night at the party, you don’t drink. You don’t get high, and maybe you do have a few drags off Garbo’s cigarette but you’re driving and you’re looking after Garbo and Jack and Bella, so you’re not about to risk it. When Jack remembers that he forget his ID, you sigh and huff but you drive him back to his flat to get it and by the time you return, Garbo and Bella are gone

Falling and stumbling, they laugh and pass you a bottle of Jack Daniels

You take one swig—just cause you need it to deal with them—and pretend to drink more

You don’t though

For Nicky

Inside the venue, you dance and wine your way through the crowd and rap a bit when Darnell pulls you up on stage and it’s a good time

Until someone pulls the fire alarm

And then you’re freaking out and grabbing Jack and trying to get Garbo to lose the girl tangled around him and you can’t find Bella anywhere. Then someone calls you phone and you manage to hear “Bella” and “passed out” and so you’re running.

Pushing people out of the way and Jack’s with you and Garbo’s not and you reach her and just take over. All that training from babysitting class and the summers you worked as a lifeguard flooding back to you and you stay hyped on adrenaline until you crash in the hospital, in the hard backed chair next to her bed,

You don’t even remember how you got there, just going really fast and yelling at people till your throat felt raw.

You manage to text Nick—because your sober—and he says he loves you and you think you say it back but when you check in the morning.

You didn’t

--

Nick writes a song that talks about feeling betrayed and upset and unsure and worst of all, in love.

You read it over and over

Once out loud and once in your head

You know by the second line that it’s about you

You feel lower than dirt

Is that even possible?

The next time you look in the mirror you can pretty much see one of those “Hello! My name is…” stickers stuck to your forehead.

This one as plain as day:

“Hello! My name is Joseph “I hurt the people I love most cause I’d rather get high” Jonas”

You can’t even convince yourself that it isn’t true

You just keep seeing yourself in one of those Above the Influence ads that you always laugh at

Too bad that it takes till now for you to finally see how much you’ve really lost

All because of your goddamn lifestyle

and i love you no matter what kind of face you make

2009-04-12T09:49:45Z

I bring you P-H-O-T-O-S!

since i havent written in a while and im pretty sure i wont be writing until school lets out

lifes been a drag and still funny

ive discovered alot of things and lost others and im stil laughing

its still funny

i plan on leaving the day it isnt anymore

these are me...cause i feel bad about never updating

you know you want to look

:D

Peace

ps...my dad bought me all the seasons of ER..i jizzed in my fuckin pants

JOHN STAMOS!

damnit, thats some quality AWESOME

I turned 17 down south, does that make me a real "black girl"?

They got me a Camp Rock card. I grew up with these kids, Rachel gets to wear a crown

"Mr. Winn, you play an interesting game"-Asante

AFRICA! I've been to Africa and I broke a sweat!

Oh sweet Caroline, dont you cry, baby, Mama will hold you tonight

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Yeah well, then wheres that leave my soul?

We ran like they knew we could

My brother Tra, well he's all about laughs

They're only my favorite passtime

Lilybean, you taste like sunshine and honey

Life is a series of jumps, many of which, you do in the dark

She's an Oberlin baby through and through

Cheer up EmoKid, there's some humor in it

GingeredRay makes me play Rugby, she also cant control her tounge

Ellertson: "I sleep on the job cause I could save you with my eyes closed!"
JRollz: "That sounds sexual...I like it!"

Twins. Because twins share the same names, not looks

You'd like to know, wouldntcha?

SMILE WITH YOUR EYES DAMNIT-The Maddi/es and Simom make even Tyra jealous

ODS memories pile up like namecookies

JoeCumCums: "No one can ever thizz this hard again"

"Everyone, meet Julian"

Everyone: "We already do"

I used to think alot about God. I think he was listening then

Tabernacile is the one this i could NEVER life without

Our snow days mean we eat ice cream

I have the unfortunate habit of kidnapping my smallest cousins

Only swimmers have arms like that

Unicorn and Cat! ASSEMBLE!

And hold me, just like this is the last time. Cause eveytime you kiss me, do it like you'll never see me again

RIP T.D.E

remember those walls i built, well baby they're crumbling down

2009-04-12T08:15:28Z

so she always meant more to you than i ever did

i thought we were friends first

you wouldnt know her if it wasnt for me

i hope you remember that

when youre hating me so much

your words were so mean

but i think i deserved over half of them

i would deserve more but you fucked up too

i didnt know you could hate someone so fast

i was always worried

about you two meeting

i wanted you to be my friend

mineminemine

i didnt want to share you

i wanted you to write me journal entries and laugh and post pictures

and call me something sweet

a nice nickname

i never told you i liked you like that did i

yeah...Powells was fun

you were laughing and all awkward hugs

i dont think ive ever been that excited to meet someone

ever

it was cool, cause with you, i could be crazy, i could scream and jump and yell about Joe Jonas...you made me love the JB's

before she did, before she even meant anything to me

anything

Didnt i introduce you to the JB? didnt i message you and call and say ohmygodohmygod JONAS!

yeah...i think so

It was all about Narnia baby, back then, when i was new to LJ and you became an "insta friend"

awesome

i saw the HM movie tonight, and i was driving with a car full of kids and i still felt alone

i feel alone alot....with out you

i think about T and then i think about you and how ill hate myself if anything happens and all i have to remember you by is a bookstore and angry words on a compute screen

i hurt her like you never would

and i owned that, i tried to make it better

i am making it better?

you still hate me

even if you say you dont

my eyes hurt from sitting in semi dark

did you know that i havent been able to do any writing

any at all

since all this happened

it left when you did

or i did

i dont remember

i feel so sad J

so god damn sad and helpless and i dont know if its cause im tired or because i miss you but this aches

im tired of aching J

can we please, just for one goddamn second

be okay?

i cant be happy with her if it means im going to lose you

Life dont have to work like that

And He Never Told You What Made Him So Sad, R, Joe/Nick, Joe/Other

2009-02-16T19:55:48Z

Title: And He Never Told You What Made Him So Sad

Author: Politelypuzzled

Rating: R, Rape, Incest, Sad things and language

Pairing: Joick, Joe/Other

Word Count: 2914

Dedication: Nikki for your brilliance and Becky for your insight and excitment

Summary: When Romeo came out to play you told him, told him, she'd ran away

Companion piece to And He Was The Most Beautiful Tragedy Of All...can be read alone or afterwards

Note: So i posted this to Jonasslash (ive changed the title cause i wanted something else) but it got like two comments and i dont mean to be a bitch cause i know ive been gone for a while but the whole sense of family is kinda missing from the com, like alot lately and it really sucks. And i was SUPER proud of this piece so i guess ill just repost it here and see if it gets any attention or whatever
xo

When you were little, people were always in the habit of telling you how beautiful you were. How your eyes shone like stars and that your smile was blinding and that your hair was a lovely cross between your mom’s and your great grandma’s and mainly they said you that should watch out, because you were pretty; maybe even a bit too pretty, for your own good.

You never really understood what that meant. But adults say funny things sometimes and so you just went back to playing with your action figures and humming under your breath.

--

The girls at your school used to chase you around and around the playground, laughing wildly and you were kind of scared because when they caught you, they would pin you down and kiss your face and beg you to sing for them. And you did, because they wouldn’t leave you alone until you sang, so loud and clear that everyone on the playground stopped to listen.

That’s how you knew you were meant to perform, because between your frantic dancing and powerful voice, there was this pride you found in being able to stop the world with just a simple church hymn your daddy had taught you, even if your world only consisted of grubby-faced elementary kids and scuffed up blacktops.

You knew you’d find your real stage someday.

--

The boy who used to baby-sit you and Kevin was named Craig—or something like that—and he lived on your old street in Jersey. He was older, a lot older and Kevin thought he was the coolest kid ever and you used to be excited about when Mom and Dad went out because that meant Craig would come over and that was awesome.

But when you were eight, Craig started playing “Games” with you and just you and when you asked him why he never took Kevin into the upstairs bathroom, he said it was because you were the prettier one.

You guess those adults were right and you still don’t fully understand and these “Games” aren’t really fun because Craig makes you do things you don’t really want to but have to anyway. And sometimes it makes you cry because he tries to shove all of himself in your mouth and you want to gag because you can’t breathe but he just grips your hair harder and muffles your cries with his fist.

If you try and fight back, he hits you and when Mom asks about the bruises or the black eye, Craig just smiles at her sweetly and says you fell down the stairs because after all, no matter how beautiful a child you are, you are still a clumsily little boy and no one can argue with that. Not even Kevin, though he knows for a fact, you didn’t fall down any stairs and you want to resent him for it when he looks at you across the dinner table, but deep down you know he’s just protecting Nick. And you would do the same, you do do the same and you like to think that Kevin’s sorry because that way, you’re bound to each other.

Whatever it takes, whatever you have to do, Nick will always matter more.

But you can’t help wishing that sometimes, you mattered too.

--

You’re eleven the first time Craig makes you say I love you and its right after he’s finished ramming his cock down your throat and you're breathless and your knees are killing you and you kind of whisper it more than say it, so he yanks your face up and makes you say it again.

You feel like you’ve just vomited your entire stomach all over his shoes when he gives you this disgusting smirk and crashes your mouths together and his stubble is scratching your face and you try to squirm away but he’s pinned you between the bathroom door and his body and
This.

Is.

Hell.

You're crying by the time he finally pulls away and the only thing that makes this somewhat okay is that you can hear Kevin and Nick laughing downstairs.

--

You start to have nightmares; these violent, awful, horridly vivid dreams where you’re dying. Or Kevin is dying. Or worse, Nick is dying. You’re being chased and stabbed

Over

And Over and

Over

By this faceless man who always laughs so loud and his smile splits your dream wide open and you wake up screaming, because you know where that laughter comes from.

You’ve heard it every night in your head since you were eight and you’ve started dreading the evenings that Mom and Dad aren’t home.

--

You're thirteen years old when Craig leaves for college, you don’t know where he’s going—not that you really care—you just know that he’s gone far, far away and suddenly, you can be a kid again.

And the good part is

You don’t have to fake it.

You're smiling like you can’t remember ever smiling like before and everyone notices; you're stage presence is back and even though Nick’s the one on Broadway, you're the real actor. After all, you’ve been doing it the longest. You’re pure energy, a kind of constant motion that slows for no one, because if you slow, just even the tiniest bit,

The bad thoughts will catch right up

With you

And you’ve been doing such a good job of keeping them at bay.

You're teachers tell your parents your gifted but a little distracted, your friends are enthralled by your boundless energy and everyone, everywhere, keeps telling you that you’re gunna be Somebody and you like the sound of that. Because when you’re Someone, no one can touch you, unless you want them too.

Yeah, that’s the best part.

--

You and Kev come home late from a day at the skate park and you're so fuckin happy cause you landed that kick-flip off the top of the stairs that you’ve been working on for over a week and all of Kevin’s friends whooped and slapped you on the back and called you “DJ Danger” and you're walking on air.

The feeling lasts until you open the front door and see him sitting on the couch with Frankie on his lap and Nick at his feet and you're suddenly so sicksicksick and frozen and the world is closing in on just you and you can’t fuckin move. You’re torn between bolting past them and up into your room or turning around and back into the night. But Kevin’s right behind you and he kind of pushes you into the sitting room and Craig is smiling that smile at you and now you're really going to hurl.

Fuck

“Hey Joe,” He drawls, soft and low and you don’t even say anything, you only shiver and make up your mind on the spot. You grab Nick by the back of his shirt and practically drag him up to your bedroom. Kevin can take care of Frankie, after all, he’s good at looking after everyone but you, so you don’t care.

Nick’s kind of crying cause you hurt him when you pulled him up here, so you wrap your arms around his scrawny ten year old frame and burry your face in his hair. He stops sniffling and hugs you back because you know he can tell you're uneasy. He’s always known, he’s Nick and when you let go he sort of smiles crookedly up at you and you can see all of his teeth and they’re so whitewhitewhite that they could probably blind you.

You curl up on your bed and read him comics until his breathing evens out and you know he’s asleep. You keep reading anyway because you're safe up here, just you and Nick and when Mom comes up later to check on you guys, you tell her you hate Craig and don’t ever want him to baby-sit again and she’s all shocked and tells you not to talk like that.

You do anyway, because Craig is bad news and your mom needs to know. She has a long talk with your father and the next morning at breakfast you get a lecture about lying and saying you hate people and you kick the table leg and glare at your eggs because you aren’t lying and you do hate people. Well just one person and you really think you should be able to hate him cause he makes you feel so gross and dirty and for that, you’ll do whatever you want.

Thank you very much

--

You're fourteen and the best guitar player in the 8th grade; Nick’s better than you but that’s only cause he practices more and he can’t really count cause he’s only eleven. Besides, Kevin taught you; during the humid summer nights where the both of you can’t really sleep and so instead you spend the moonlight hours on the back porch, strumming quiet chords and laughing.

It’s the closest you’ve ever come to telling Kevin the truth and maybe the closest you’ve ever come to forgiving him because out here, it’s just the two of you and the crickets and the muggy Jersey air and you feel close to okay. He watches you, like really watches you, with your fingers dancing across the strings and he tells you it’s beautiful, that you were probably meant to play.

You have to bite your tongue to keep from crying.

Because for you now, Beauty, is the thing that keeps you strapped down here, keeps you from moving up and beyond everyone and their grimy fingers, that are always reaching out to hold you back.

Because everyone wants a piece of Beauty

And you still haven’t found your stage, and maybe you’re a little bitter because Nicholas has.

You guys talk about Nick too; about his talent and drive, his ambition and grace. Fuck, he’s only eleven but he’s got half the world beat. It’s just a little more than unfair. Kevin worries about what will happen if Nick makes it big and leaves the family behind to turn into some huge child prodigy or whatever and you mutter under your breath that that wouldn’t be a bad thing, because at least that way, he’ll escape what’s in store for him if he stays.

He’ll be able to find his wings.

It’s just too bad yours got cut off.

--

You’re almost sixteen when Columbia Records “discovers” you and your brothers. You’ve been playing in sketchy clubs and cafes and passing out crappy demos recorded on cassettes and driving around in that stupid, cramped van your dad bargained with the car dealer for. They started out just looking at Nick, you and Kevin jamming in the background and even if you were just playing to a measly crowd of twelve or so uninterested coffee drinkers, the music was real and you guys are so on all the time and you were happy.

They have long conversations with Dad about just taking Nick but Nick refuses to go without the two of you and so Columbia says that they’ll “get back to you soon” and that turns into weeks and weeks and after a while, you all start to think they don’t want you at all and everything’s strained and Dad’s getting on Nick about perfection and you about your attitude and Kevin about his demeanor and Frankie cries cause he doesn’t think you guys love him and Mom’s just, quiet.

To top it all off, Craig finds you again.

You’re at some shitty high school party Kevin dragged you to because his friends like you and that’s cool, you guess, cause you're only a sophomore and they’re all seniors and there’s beer and pot that Kevin kindly refuses and you kindly accept and you're feeling a pretty kind of buzz when he strolls through the door.

You're gagging suddenly on the drink someone just passed you and he’s smiling at you and casually walking over in your direction to loop an arm over your shoulder. You look around, kind of and really panicked and no one’s coherent enough to realize that No, you do not enjoy him being this close to you, at all so please make it stop right now and Kevin’s nowhere in sight either and that’s just so god damn typical.

He’s never there when you need him to be.

And now Craig is steering you away, from the loud music and louder voices and lights and you’re too fucked up to really struggle and he’s telling you how much you’ve grown and changed and dread is curling like poison in the pit of your stomach.

You almost know it’s coming when he shoves you into an empty bedroom and kisses you.

The knowing doesn’t make it any easier.

He’s everywhere, his hands are everywhere and you're nine years old again, violated and used and mainly just powerless. He’s so heavy and hot and intruding and you find some part of your self breaking. This has been going on so long, and it’s so disgusting that it’s no wonder you haven’t been able to look in a mirror for a while now.

He takes the rest of you in that dark little room—on some stranger’s bed with your older brother downstairs and music so loud that it shakes the floorboards—takes the rest of what you don’t really have and you keep telling your self through it all that you wont cry, but you do.

You cry so hard, after he’s left, that you think you’ll dry up.

You don’t and Kevin finds you sometime later and you walk home in silence.

He doesn’t ask why you’re limping.

--

Mandy was the first girl you actually think liked you and maybe that’s because she’s known you since you were small, when she had two long blonde braids and you wore cut offs that were a hand-me downs from Kevin and the pair of you played in the park down the street from your houses. You used to tug her braids, cause they were just perfect for it and she would stick out her tongue and kick your shin in retaliation, but behind all of that and as you got older, you figured out how much you ”like liked” her.

Because she still talked to you when you thought you were too dirty for anyone else and she kissed you in Mr. Mason’s front yard during the summertime neighborhood games of Kick the Can, underneath that huge old oak tree that you snuck back to later in the night and carve your initials into the bark.

When you showed them to her the next day, she smiled really wide and kissed you even harder.

It was the first time you said, “I love you” and actually meant it.

Next to Nick of course, but that doesn’t really count, seeing as with Nick, you’ve always meant it, Craig or no Craig.

--

After the incident at the party, something inside of you dies; you can’t really tell what it is, you just know that it’s gone, and with it goes everything else. All your feelings and emotions and suddenly you're pushing for every inch of you that isn’t there anymore.

It’s not like anyone notices.

You can’t decide if that’s a bad or good thing.

You're sixteen and so incredibly angry with life that you can’t even control yourself anymore. You figure, that if the world doesn’t want you, then you don’t want it and you become some kind of terror in your agony.

Or whatever it is they're calling “Teen Angst” these days.

Except, you're so far passed Teen Angst, that it isn’t even funny.

You hate the fuckers that laugh anyway.

--

Nick notices, he does, because he’s closest to you, he's a part of you and therefore he is you. Thoughts like that make you wanna be sick. When he tries to talk about it, to get you to talk about it, you react faster than you really thought possible.

You curl your fist and the resonating crack as your knuckles connect with his jaw makes your heart ache. You feel the crumble of his body as it hits the motel floor and you’ve never punched anyone in your life, let alone Nick. Nick

Damn it

You want to apologize, but the monster in your chest wont let you, it clamps its claws through your lips, lacing them together like grotesque stitches and you know from this point on that all you’ll ever cause is

Grief

And pain

And disgusting self-loathing

Because Dear Nicholas’s pedestal is so high and your neck is getting so tired from all the staring up.

It’s time he learned the world is nothing but a playground.

--

You are sixteen when you shove your thirteen-year-old brother into the mattress of some shitty motel bed and take his innocence. You are sixteen when you accept the blood that stains your fingertips. You are sixteen when you become famous and find your stage, where bright lights flash and girls scream your name and you turn into some kind of idol.

You are sixteen when you turn from Joseph into Joe.

When you go from Victim to Fiend.

When you decide to “fuck them” like he's “fucked you”.

--

You’re nineteen years old when you realize

This

Has

Been

Your

Life

And you’ve hated every minuet of it.

This is the Idiot we elected in good ol' PDX....

2009-01-28T06:36:50Z

First up let me say, Sam Adams is a fuckin retard...im not saying it cause hes gay or whatever, im saying it because i went to Zimbabwe with the a Tom Potter clan and okay, so i might be a little biased but after meeting this asshole three times AND being thrown off by how R-U-D-E he is...well, ill just say he had it coming

such a dick...and he isnt leaving office...figures

*sigh*

FUNNIEST SHIT OF MY LIFE!!!!!

EVEN PEREZ THINKS HES AN ASS

Boo! Hiss On Sam Adams

Filed under: Gay Gay Gay > Politik

Boo on Portland's mayor, Sam Adams!

Back in 2007, then-Commissioner Adams denied rumors of inappropriate behavior between himself and a very very young intern named Beau Breedlove, calling the accusations a "homophobic smear campaign."

On Monday, however, Adams confessed to the relationship and apologized for his dishonesty.

"I want to publicly acknowledge a mistake I have made and I want to apologize for it.

"In the past, I have characterized my relationship with Beau Breedlove as purely non-sexual. That is not true. Beau Breedlove and I had a sexual relationship for a few months in the summer of 2005 after he turned 18 years of age.

"I should have been honest at the time about the true nature of my relationship with Beau Breedlove when questions about my relationship with him first surfaced publicly in October 2007. In fact, Beau encouraged me to be honest about the facts of our relationship. I am deeply sorry that I asked him to lie for me.

"I lied at the time because I was afraid that people would believe untrue rumors, being circulated by an undeclared mayoral opponent, that I had broken a law involving sexual relations with a minor. But this is not a good excuse.

"Until today, with the exception of Beau, I have not discussed with anyone the true nature of my relationship with him: not with my colleagues, staff, friends or family.

"I apologize to Beau for asking him to lie for me. I apologize to my colleagues for my poor handling of this matter. I apologize to the people of Portland for my dishonesty. I should have been truthful from the beginning.

Mayor Sam Adams"

Dude, you should have just kept it in your pants!

Or at least been upfront about it!

Didn't you learn anything from Bill Clinton?????

do you think theyll do something on SNL over this? i so vote that they do...like weekend update with a "Really?!" by seth and amy...hahahaha YESH!

apologies that get you somewhere...or nowhere

2008-12-22T10:34:09Z

im sorry for alot of things

but mainly the fact that i cant seem to

work this out

i dont know whats stopping me from it

my lame excuses

some deeply hidden anger

self loathing...or pity

or just that i dont want to do anything

that i believe, by ignoring it, that itll go away

that ill be able to fool myself into thinking this wasnt my fault

when youre gone for good

she means so much to you

shes more than your best friend

i was a best friend once

a long time ago

before i became the strung out junkie who hid their emotions so well

shes saved you

she been there for you

she is what you need

im the lowlife cunt who makes things disapear with alcohol and slacking off

im jealous in a way

of you two

of how you speak more than we do

of how much closer you are

i see it and i fucking laugh

because while she might be my girlfriend

youve got her closer than i ever did

i have dreams too

and stop me if this is the fuckin pityville party

but in them

im the one dying, the one drowning, the one suffering

and you two are holding hands, being lovey dovey

being the couple

i wake up sometimes with scratches on my skin and scars on my heart

i would give up a hundred zillion things and every horrid selfish thing ive ever done

just to make us cool again

i would stop this drama and talk to you forever

like we used to

and it wouldnt be awkward and stupid and i wouldnt feel

ashamed for leaving when you needed me most

and you would be happy and talk back

not listen silently and mumble

because thats what scared me most

thats why i didnt call later

because i couldnt stand listening to the echo of who you used to be

deadpanning over the phone and turning my best friend into a shell

if i'd wanted that

i would have gone to the fuckin beach and talked to the waves

but im being selfish again

this is about you

not me

and us

this is about us too

because we're unstopable

or at least we were

i'd say ill call you tomorrow

but thats just lying again

so ill try

really hard

harder than i have in a long time

can that be enough?

Bruises, Joick

2008-12-17T11:33:38Z

What is it about 4 am and LJ being fuckin RETARDED?!?!

fuck

well heres my second angsty piece of the night...err, day and it's still not posted like i want...major "fuck me" move lj...major move indeed.

listen to THIS as you read

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

You try and balance against the wall but it’s crumbling so that makes it far too hard and you think about giving up but then he’s in the back of your mind, screaming, about holding it a little long

So you do

But you topple eventually, wilting into the ground and laughing because your face is just so redredred and he’s smiling at you like he used to and things don’t feel so empty anymore

You barely notice the bruises on you knees

He does and he kisses them,

One by one

By one

By one

And it feels so nice that you never want him to stop because this is keeping you happy. All of this kissing of knees and singing silly songs and just being and when he stands up you’re slightly dizzy from the wave of happiness that rolls off of you

Because you haven’t been happy like that in so long and it’s nice.

You try a handstand later; up against a different wall and this time when you fall, he doesn’t reach you fast enough and the bruises last a little longer and the scrapes cut a little deeper and you wonder slightly if you’ll permanently be black and blue

It wouldn't be a surprise at this rate

Is it really worth all the falling if it’s the only thing that keeps him around?

He comes by after, a few days later and the strawberries he used to freeze and press against your skin--staining them delicious shades of red--have been reduced to a pulpy mess and at first you’re confused because it looks so much like your heart in his hand and that just makes your breathing stop

He taps you when you start turning purple

You want to kiss him, pull him into you and live like some kind of fairytale where everything turns out quite alright, but he says you’re too old to believe in things like that. So you go back to humming quietly and standing on your hands.

Because the world is better seen

Upside down

He used to taste like hot July and summer months where you could just melt into a colorful puddle on the ground. But now he tastes like bitter snow and ice and that’s not nearly as pleasant as before, so you stop tasting him. You stop sticking out your tongue to catch him as he floats on by

It’s the hardest thing you’ve ever trained yourself to do

Sometimes you slip up and crack, like the sidewalk, with all the people walking over it,

day after day

after day,

it’s hard to avoid the rough patches.

You tend to like the rough patches the most but you wont ever say that because it means he was right

And when he’s right, you usually end up getting hurt

Besides, those bruises are just now starting to fade and its been weeks

Months

Years

Decades

Ages

Forever

Or something like that

You don’t count much anymore; there’s no real need, no real rush. Everything is good and slow and just right there and if you squint hard enough

He is too

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Note: Lyrics (in italics) and the song belong to Chairlift, you may know it from that catchy little new iPod commercial?

You and god and love are dead, joick

2008-12-14T12:49:19Z

I went through hell to post this...god damnit took like five hundred tries and for some reason the fuckin ljcut isnt working so fuck...i just posted on here and I need a new layout...FML!

”God created Man, so that he wouldn’t have to feel anything. I think he just ended up feeling more than he did before.”—Maddy Muller

“I didn’t think you believed in God anymore,”

Kevin’s voice was a cold curiosity from the doorframe where he leaned. Joe flinched at the sound of his older brother’s observation but didn’t move from his kneeling position on the floor.

“Why would you say that?” His own voice was weak and timid in response and Joe hates how it makes him think back to when they were younger and Kevin would catch him with his hand in the cookie jar. Young and greedy, naïve and stupid. Joe turned away from Kevin and splayed his fingers on the bed sheets before him.

“I don’t know,” And Joe can hear the shrug in his brother’s voice more than he can see it, “You just haven’t seemed that much into faith since Ni—“

“Stop it,” Joe hisses, seethes the words out from between gritted teeth before whirling on Kevin, his face contorted in harsh angles, like he’s daring his older brother to continue. Kevin only gives a hard bark of laughter, holding his hands up in surrender but Joe can read the wrathful mockery in his hazel green eyes.

“Whoa, fine. But Joseph, you can’t hide forever. Not from the fact that he’s gone, that he’s not coming back. No matter how hard you pray.”

A shattered roar tore itself from Joe’s throat and he lunges himself at the curly haired boy who stood feet from him. His own flesh and blood who mocked him in the moment of his most brutal and raw self-realization.

“Stop it! Shut up! Just shut up!” Joe screamed, his fists striking out to connect with something solid, something real, “Why can’t you keep your fucking mouth shut for one minuet. He’s dead! Our baby brother is dead and you turn it into a thing about faith and God?” Joe was livid, rage shaking his body and turning him into a crazed and frenzied version of the boy he used to be, “Well fuck God. Fuck him and his morals. It’s all just a joke. One big, fat joke. I want nothing more to do with it. Nothing!”

“You talk about Nick’s death like it’s God’s fault,” Kevin scoffed, grabbing Joe by the wrists in a vice like grip as the younger boy attempted to damage him like his words had Joe, “This isn’t a matter of religion, Joseph! Yeah, Nick is dead and gone, six feet under and all that shit but don’t keep trying to turn this away from yourself!” Kevin’s words bit into Joe’s flesh like tiny bombs, detonating on impact and blowing away bit by bit till all that was left was a bloody mass and the cold edges of shrapnel, “Nick slit his wrists with your name on his lips, not God’s. Our brother is dead because he couldn’t handle the sin you two became, just by being together. Think about it Joseph, you put the blade in his hands, you put the nails in his coffin. Not God. You.”

Joe was sobbing as Kevin finished speaking, he was wilting against the older boy, sagging to the hardwood floor under the weight of his guilt; the shackles Kevin’s hands around his wrists formed were the only thing keeping him up. His head hung between his shoulders and his dark hair fell across bloodshot eyes, red from the tears slipping down his cheeks and staining Kevin’s jeans in patches of dark blue.

“I loved him!” Joe shuddered, his body heaving with the burden of his howling, “All I ever did was love him and even that wasn’t enough! So he was my little brother, so we shared the same blood, so I loved him in a way I shouldn’t have, but it was love right? Love all the same,” The raven-haired boy was pleading now and Kevin couldn’t actually tell if it was with him, or the god neither one of them really believed in anymore,

“Damn it! Paul,” Joe continued with a scream, thrashing his head from side to side, struggling to break free of everything, “Nick meant the world to me, he was my life, my other half, my reason and it sounds fake and fucking cheesy, but now he’s gone, now he’s dead, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Everything I believed in is gonegonegone. I never meant for it to kill him. I didn’t think—“

“And that’s just it,” Kevin ground out, hard fire burning in his gaze as he dropped all the way down to his knees so that he could look his broken younger brother squarely in the eyes, “You didn’t think. You didn’t notice how much he was fading, how much of him was wasting away. He loved you too, Joe, I know that, but love just wasn’t enough. It just couldn’t push the truth away. Nick was a sixteen year old growing up on his belief that God made him who he was, gave him all his faults, all his gifts. To fall in love with you was the biggest sin he could ever commit. He couldn’t do it, Joe, he just couldn’t and love can only carry you so far,” Kevin wasn’t trying to be cruel, he was just trying to get Joe to see the grounds behind it, to see it the way Nick had, “You can’t face the world with just love in your pocket. You need something more tangible than that, something more and that’s what Nick was looking for, that’s what Nick needed.”

“He had me Kevin! He had me. Why wasn’t that enough?” Joe choked out, desperation turning his eyes black with grief. He yanked himself free of the guitarist’s grasps and tore at his hair, crying out in the pitiful agony brought on by his shattered heart.

Kevin shivered, sorrow and smoldering anguish melting at the edges of his cold and practiced façade as he watched his brother tear himself apart. They were both burning in the silent terror of loss, in the vast stretch of the petrifying realism that comes after the death of a loved one. Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could stay angry; how much longer he could blame Joe alone, for killing their brother, he knew at some point, he’d have to admit, to himself at least, that he only took this out on Joe because he was so afraid of what he’d find if he looked in the mirror.

Reaching out, Kevin brought Joe’s hands back together by his wrists, slapping the boy’s palms harshly against each other and keeping them there by enclosing them with his own. Freeing one of his hands, he jerked Joe’s face up with a firm grasp on his chin, forcing him to meet his deeply searching stare.

“Ask Him,” Kevin spit, the bittersweet cut of his words splicing the air between them and he stood, leaving Joe kneeling on the floor of their deceased brother’s bedroom, hands clasped as if in prayer while the damned blasphemer cried, begging Kevin, begging God, begging Nick to allow him to repent for his darkest hurt.

A/N: So it’s 4 am and I just watched the most recent Gossip Girl and sobbed my eyes out and felt so hallow and reread basically every angsty fic I’ve written and some of Lizzie’s just for good measure and the Ani Difranco station on Pandora made me cry harder so I’m going to bed to just die. As always, let me know what you think.

And Now, Let Me Be Honest-For Jessica

2008-12-04T07:06:27Z

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned

It's been awhile since my last confession.

I have sins coming out of my ear. I dont think people see how much contempt for things I harbor. I am bitter and snide, obscene and rude. Im cruel when I shouldnt be and If I had it my way, I'd be left alone

But the twisted thing is

I attract people

It some trait I possess that makes me loath myself even more
I'd stop it if I could
I'd wear a sign that says "stay away"

But I can't

I need a balance of normal
I need this tiresome facade

And you, oh you, you think you're horrid all alone
Well I've played the game with the best of them

I lived in the hospital my seventh grade year
My wrists in ribbion
A series of scars
To act as a momento to my sin

I hate my councelor
She makes me talk too much
I get pissed and it only leads to trouble

I'm grounded half the time because I sneak out
And crawl back into bed
Reeking of smoke and booze and half the time
Sex

I make my mother cry and my father feel hopeless
My younger brother
fucking
looks up to me

Im a cheat and a liar

I have the girl I want but then I turn around and kiss a boy

I'm awful and intrusive
I freeze when people really need me

I yell and scream more than I sit and listen

Oh Father,
How can I repent for the wrongs if they keep piling up?

How can I make myself better,

If I don't want to?

I guess no one can help you help yourself

Unless you let them in

But for now,

Here's to the ten pain killers swimming in my veins

The gashes tattooing the insides of my arms

The half bottle of Jack Daniels mixing in my blood stream

And the pack of cigarettes infecting my lungs

Here's to you my Queen of Hearts

And the roses I failed to paint red

Amen

did i mention....

2008-11-05T04:12:05Z

OBAMA IS OUR FUCKIN PRESIDENT!!!!!

FUUUUUCCCKKKKKK YEEEAAAAHHHH BYOTCHES!

I OFFICALLY RELOVE AMERICA

I GUESS HE WAS THE CHANGE WE BELIEVED IN!!!

SUCK IT MCAIN!

Badonkadonk, Bidinkadink

2008-10-05T05:48:39Z

Dear Go, why has SNL redeemed itself so well in my book tonight?

Anne Hatheway actually made me laugh so hard I nearly cried, which is unusual because I hate her in about everything but The Princess Diaries. Seriously though, she did a good job *clap clap*.

Oh SNL owes this recent election its soul, they are having a fuckin field day with all that Biden, Palin, Obama, Mcaine and all the others are giving them to play with. Queen Latifa was on in the opening skit tonight as Gweneth Iffey and sweet baby jesus if I didnt fall off the couch from laughing.

Im just so glad that comedy is coming back into alllllll the late night tv shows and just talk shows in general. I hated that period of time where SNL just wasnt funny at all, I mean sure they had a few skits and promising people *cough cough* Andy Samberg *cough cough* but the host and stuff just wernt funny. Oh and of course they've had their flukes so far this season, like sorry Michael Phelps BUT WHY ARE THEY USING AWKWARD ATHLETES??? And Anna Faris disapointed hella much to my dislike cos she's reeeeedick in like everything.

James Franco prolly took the cake after Anne, I died during the Spiderman/Will Defou skit they did

"I played your father in a movie, YOU OWE ME!!!"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Of course again the new seasons really have nothing on the old school stuff, Im talking Fallon, Fey, Ferrel, Dratch, Sanz, Rudolph, Morgan, Shannon, Parnell and even more far back than that...the list seriously goes on, you all know what I mean.

Since Im in Iowa, I got to watch it earlier than I would back home and now Im watching an rerun on E with Britany Spears and just seeing her on here reminds me that that woman needs to QUIT. Just stop, crazy woman, stop. But w/e, she's moving back in with K-Fed anyway so gah, it's her life....actually she's funny....at 18...what does that tell you???

Going back to todays SNL, Kristen Wigg is probably God, me and Grandcookie were dying during the first skit she did with Anne and Amy and that new girl Casey...SHE HAD SUCH SMALL HANDS!!!! OMJOMJOMJ

WHEN ARE THE JOBROS GUNNA BE ON SNL?

For cereal yo, I just keep waiting for them to pop up as random guests, why is SNL passing up such a good oportunity to rant on sooooooo many things?!?!?!?!?

They could rag on Disney, Religon and Pop culture itself all in one if they just used the boys..shame shame that is such a waste *sigh* oh well, hopefully they'll come around sooner or later

Which makes me come back to the musical guest on the show lately...THEY HAVE ALL BEEN BOMB, if not predictable. Lil Wayne made me laugh cos he played guitar during Lolli Pop and I just kept laughing so hard because WHY DOES HE NEED TO DO THAT? Me and Becks are convinced that he's been kickin it with the Joboyos a bit too much, I mean have you seen his outfits lately??? Kings of Leon are always awsome so having them on just made me clap in delight, The Killers tonight reminded me why I love them
Their songs are so weird and shit but I just adore their lyrics..."Human" is really, really good and I cant wait for their new album to some out...though Brandon's jacket made me wonder if he was trying to be an owl... :DDD

Heres their new song if you havent checked it out yet and the lyrics...just for kicks *runs away to frolic with the Joboyos and laugh at SNL reruns* (click the first song that shows up)

http://search.playlist.com/tracks/human%2C%20the%20killers

I did my best to notice
when the call came down the line
up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind
and sometimes I get nervous
when I see an open door

close your eyes, clear your heart

cut the cord
are we human or are we denser
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and I'm on my knees looking for the answer
are we human or are we denser

pay my respects to grace and virtue
send my condolences to good
give my regards to soul and romance
they always did the best they could
and so long to devotion,
you taught me everything I know
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/OOUW ]
wave good bye, wish me well

you gotta let me go
are we human or are we denser
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and I'm on my knees looking for the answer
are we human or are we denser

will your system be all right
when you dream of home tonight
there is no message we're receiving
let me know is your heart still beating

are we human or are we denser
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and I'm on my knees looking for the answer

you've gotta let me know
are we human or are we denser
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and I'm on my knees looking for the answer
are we human
or are we denser

are we human or are we denser

are we human or are we denser

Obviously it's....CHALLENGE TIME!!!!!

2008-09-23T23:02:26Z

HAHAHAHAH!

this is hysterical and awful all in one blow...I just couldnt resist the chance for a lovely challenge, since ive been meaning to set one up for you guys for a while now

anyone heard about the recent Jonas Bros sex scandel? where Disney has announced that they are seriously upset over speculation of who Joe and Nick are dating and what they are saying about it...heres the link to a recent article http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news/44738/jonas-brothers-heading-for-miley-cyrusstyle-sex-scandal

well your job is to write a story involving the boys reaction to the rumors but link it all back to them using the girls as cover ups for their own relationships with each other...use all of the characters mentioned in the article and possibly some others too :)

Heres the catch, you need to use at least one of the things from the catagories below in your story

PLACES
-The LA Boardwalk
-Saturday Night Live Set
-Award Show
-Miley's Closet
-Airplane Terminal
-A Park
-Any type of party

PEOPLE (bonus characters)
-Andy Samburg
-Jonah Hill
-Russle Brand
-Blake Lively
-Ellen Page
-A crazy (but appealing or compelelty obnoxious) OC
-Lil Wayne

PROPS
-A Frisbee
-Selena's Diary
-A Stolen Guitar
-Cowboy Boots
-A roll of duct tape
-A lost bratty kid
-Unfinished Homework
*-Nosey reporter!

LINES
- "Song singing brother say what?"
- "FUCK MY LIFE! NO SERIOUSLY! FUCK IT!"
- "As usual, we're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants"
- "There is some crazy, wacked out shit out there!" "I know! Just look at Kevin!"
- "Blibidy, Blobity, Bloop! Laterz!"
- "I WANT A TACO! YOU KNOW WHO CANT HAVE A TACO? CEDRIC! BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!"
- "All I wanna do is BOOM. BOOM. BOOM! ERRR CHICH and take your Mon-ay!"
- “It’s like, eat a piece of fruit DAMN IT!”

NOW WRITE MY BAYBAYS!

AND REMEMBER IT HAS TO DEAL WITH THE RECENT SCANDAL!!!!

im wondering to myself if this made any sense at all.....

Sleep Deprived Madness Takes Its Toll

2008-09-22T07:35:52Z

[Of Scars and Memories, PG-13, The Boys]
"Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you." ~Author Unknown

a/n: 7 words. All of them ache like hallow cuts and I bleed to put them to paper. My pairings are vague and I'm sorry. When will I stop hurting these boys with pains they dont need, let alone, deserve.

This is for Gellyn and Music, that you for your beautiful work that makes me write.

Gravity

Joe pushes Nick back onto the soft grass and laughs. The summer day swims above them and Nick likes the way the sunshine gives Joe’s silhouette a luminous glow. They’ve escaped the movie set for a few rare and brief moments and Nick revels in how right it feels to be beneath his brother like this. To be on their movie set in some secluded bit of Canadian landscape, the sprawling lake stretching out before them like a horizon and their guitars haphazardly discarded but within reach and the sun’s warmth seeping into their skin. Joe laughs freely, loud and unashamed, like he hasn’t laughed in ages, with his head thrown back and the light seems to dance with his happiness. Nick props himself up on his elbows, the older boy still pinning him to the ground but not in a hostile way and the younger of the pair feels the infectiousness of the laughter. He shimmies out of the circle of his brother’s arms and flips them so that he’s now the one leaning over the other. Smirking as Joe continues to giggle in helpless hysterics, Nick bends down to press a kiss and more of his body against the lead singer. Joe shivers deliciously and reaches up to hook an arm around Nick’s neck, pulling the young musician close enough to smash their lips together more firmly. When they part, the older boy smiles and gives a breathy laugh, posing his question to hang in the air between them,
“Do you believe in love?” The curly haired boy smiles his thousand-watt grin and swallows the question, replacing it with a simple statement.
“I believe in gravity.”

Knowledge

Miley knows better than to be friends with Nick while Selena’s in the picture. So she graciously steps aside and plays up the dramatics for affect. They remain friends regardless, sneaking about and thinking themselves quite sly. The fake fights and hysterics mainly a ploy to distract from the fact that Miley knows Nick’s biggest secret. The one that would bring The Jonas Brothers to their knees and at the mercy of the world and their morals, so Miley prides herself in her skills and keeps Nick close, laughing because Selena has nothing on them.

Discarded

“Let him go!” The voice inside his head screams, “Let him go and live! Look as how he’s killing her.” And suddenly he can’t tear his eyes away. He see the way his fingers caress her cheeks, the way his eyes smolder in their lust. The way her name drips from his lips in a half whisper, as scorching as the passion in his gaze.
“Come on Baby, one more time? For me?”
“S-s-sure. I mean will it hurt again?” She asks, timid innocence bleeding into her words.
“Naw girl, I’ll keep you safe. Don’t I always?” And he proceeds to wrap an arm around her slender shoulders, pressing a kiss to the shell of her ear and deftly rolling up her sleeve to reveal the puckered red mark of sin—where the needle breeched to infect her with his sweet, sweet poison—and she lefts out a sordid moan and the older dark haired boy closes his eyes so that he can swallow the burning lump in his throat. Someday he’ll be able to forget what it was like when he was the one in her position, what it was like before his baby brother outgrew him.

Choices

You watch the cold moon rise in the hallow sky. You frown and curl yourself tighter to your chest. The ache is a dull throbbing now. The repetitive drag of razor blades over scarred flesh. You don’t sleep at night because the alcohol keeps you awake. Swimming in the memories you hold closet to your heart. The caress of his lips against your ear, the way he watched your every move, mesmerized at the way the light radiated your love. He doesn’t see you anymore. He is the blind man begging on the corner in the rain. You are the successful businessman with a wife and kids. Your paths cross only in the early morning commute and you give in out of pity not because you remember. He was love once; an artist. A beautiful boy who swept you up in his dreams and strung you along on silver linings and when you lost your footing, relinquished you grasp, he slipped away. He drifted and dropped, like a feather caught in a downdraft, to the cold cement that marked your beginnings.

Excuses

He used to love her; it’s not a lie. He really did. He used to imagine himself with her; young and in love, married and smiling, inside her and melting. She was beautiful, stunning, polite. She was the right thing. His parents loved her, the fans loved her with him and more importantly he loved her. But he loved him too. He was a part of him, his other half. Without him he was lacking. Their love was different; with him he didn’t have to pretend. He could scream and rage, fuck and lust, laugh and sob and he would understand. He understood the needs and the desires. He got him, like no one else could ever dream of doing. But they couldn’t be, they couldn’t love, not like that, when they shared blood. So he chose her and watched his brother burn.

Violated

You don’t sleep at night because you only see his face; his bruising kisses and artful fingers. You cry into your pillow and bleed where you shouldn’t. You don’t walk right in the morning and your hips are scarred with purple and your shoulders with red welt biting into your aching skin. You ask him to be gentle but he only laughs and shoves in deeper. You take it and he comes faster. You find your hands clenched in fists and behind the burning that scorches somewhere between pain and pleasure you remind yourself that he’s drunk; that in the morning when you stumble to the bathroom, you’ll trip over him and feel sorry. That you’ll take care of him while he wretches and sobs his apologies, that you can’t stay mad, that you wont feel anything. Because you’re hallow now, a shell. He’s hurt you one too many times and you figure it’s your fault.

Abandoned

Nick had promised Miley to forever. He had sworn to love her until his dying breath, till he turned cold and stiff. He broke it and really, Miley wasn’t that surprised. She knew it was inevitable but it still stung, like a bitch. When he left, his beautiful face torn between misery and agony, reaching for her but one hand already on the doorknob, she crumpled to the floor and screamed. She knew why he was leaving, she remembered the one thing capable of tearing Nick from her side; his brothers. And it was as if among the shattered glass and wreckage of who they had been, she could watch their lives flicker on a pale screen. She hated the ending herself but it started out alright. So Miley let Nick go and immersed herself in loathing and pity, dragged herself through fame and glamour while twisting a saturated knife, rusty and ragged, deeper into her heart. The last time she ever saw him, he only managed to whisper ‘sorry’; it did nothing but bleed her faster.

Homecoming, Bisexual Dancing and Amy Pohler Being The Shit

2008-09-22T00:09:27Z

Baby lets dance

just you and me

we can dance all night

we'll work this out, this thing will be alright

so baby lets dance

dance dance dance

we'll dance it out tonight

Homecoming was friday and my parents were out of town so i had a wicked bad ass kickin it session before the dance and well...hmmm GRANT JUNIORS AND SOME OF THE SENIORS ARE CRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZYYYYYYYY...we got a little crzy and my weirdo frat house neighbors were like "whooootttt heres to underaged drinking!" and gave us shit to drink, i was like thanks but thats weird...oh well. homecoming was intensly awesome, i think i danced with like everyone within touching distance and i swear to god i burned about two days worth of calories. haha

when they played Dangerous by Akon my friend Joe looked me up and down, grabbed me from the guy i was dancing with and is we hadnt been wearing clothes i swear it would have been some hot hot sex....lol. oh joseph i love you.

they played BB GOOD AND I DIED! me and my gurl Aly were like oh hell yesh! and everyone else was like "we dont even know who this is but it sooooooo good lets dance wildly and sporaticly" so we did just that. THEN ME AND ALY KEPT EXPECTING THE JOBROS TO JUMP OUT OF NOWHERE AND DANCE WITH US...WE ACTUALLY WENT LOOKING FOR THEM TOO...hahah lame

we made ourselves feel better by dancing with boys that looked like them tho so it was okay

oh!
hah i about died cos i was dancing with this kid Leo and my friends Maddie and Simon were dancing right in front of us and i was facing Maddie and people were pushing in on all sides so we were like fuck it and then like i was dancing with Leo while Maddie like grinded on me as well as Simon and it was kinda hot O_0 hahaha

who am i to deny someone a sexy dance? lol seriously though i was so out of it i would have danced with the principal if he'd been around...HAHAHAHAHA

plus the girls i ended up dancing with were sexy and so were the guys and i was just like "I LOVE EVERYONE SOOOOOOO MUCH TODAY!!!! GAGAHAHAHA" and it was all good

JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD TELL YOU GUYS ABOUT MY SCHOOL LIFE!

now im gunna go decide if i should write jonasslash or my ap us history paper

:)
ps

DID ANYONE WATCH SNL LAST NIGHT?!?! ONLY THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING IVE EVER SEEN! JAMES FRANCO IS HYSTERICAL AND WHEN WILL THE JOBROS EITHER HOST OR STAR ON THE SHOW?!?!

omjomjomj and Amy Pohler made a Jobros refrence in a skit last night...bwahahah...the cougar den one..."I broke a spider vein when i slammed on the gas in my mazaradi. what?! i thought i saw the jonas brothers in front of Pink Berry!" BWAHAHAHAHAHA KILLER FUNNY!

politelypuzzled @ 2008-09-02T20:01:00

2008-09-03T03:01:18Z

Title: Staining Me In Shades Of Grey
Pairing: The Boys, they all fall at some point

Summary: I was never good at saying I love you and in death, it's not a thing you need to hear. No, when air doesnt matter and dirt surrounds, you drag me down to six feet under and we'll rot in our silent misery

At times I find myself wishing I was more of a poet, I may be able to write angst but true hurt, I leave it to real artists

For Elizabeth, for making me cry and pick up my cousin's old copy of Plath

1.

Slash your wrists open to ribbions of red and shake in his bed till blood stains you pale. Close your eyes now love and burry your face into the hallow dip of flesh and bone. Hold him like he'll break you and kiss him like you'll fade. The camera flashes blind you in the darkest part of night and they hiss their disgust. He leaves you both with stained jeans and tears on your flushed cheeks. Oh brother, oh sweet, sweet brother; he let you down. With the floor spinning up to meet you and it felt so damn cold, as if all your hope was lost and maybe it was. Death never felt so good and with his body lying still and blank next to you, things are really looking up, or that could just be you going down.

2.

He calls you a whore and spits in your face. He pushes you down flights of stairs and dares you to get back up. Shattered glass cuts into your soul and you're stuck in a capslock you can't undo. The words come in blurs and hardly leave a mark till you've done nothing but fill the page with worthless antics. Scramble, scramble, old books and cold coffee stains. Your bed smells of only him and you can't sleep anymore. The night holds painful memories and too many tears. They ask you what's wrong but you can't tell the truth, so you lie through your teeth, his cold eyes and leering smile threatening you to try. The world watches with half the intrest it used to and you drown from lack of contact and wishing he loved you back.

3.

8 days a week he writes on the inside of your wrist before placing a kiss to your aching pulse; he wishes you well and fades into the dark. You'll realise it later, but he's the one that said "I love you" the most.

4.

Loathing never got us very far, in fact it only brought us down. We twist in dirty sheets and ache to be more than memories. Pushing past the defenses we set up in the hopes of never breaking, we come to terms with the damage done. Our worthless apoligies dripple from our lips and they stare, with blank eyes, into the windows that became our souls. Everything I left you in that moment of raw honesty faded with the breaking dawn. You read me verses from countless dead poets lips but the only meaning I ever gauged was the looks you shot me before you slammed the door. If I had paid attention to your waning attempts of warnings I could have saved us both. I could have stopped the world from crashing in. But I sat usless, desperate to reach what was only feet from my skeletal hands.

5.

"What happens when we die?" You asked the words in countless dreams and he was too eagar to protect you to really think. He answered in whispers and kisses, in promises and faith. You liked it better when he was honest. You liked it better when his words made little sense and you had to think for hours before they weaved themselves into proper sentences. You miss the old side of him, the side that held the music, that held the depth. He writes in a small black journal and hides it from you when you ask to explore. You find it one dark night and read till your eye's turn black and brittle. He's scrawled the explaination to every story ever told and bleed himself into the ink. You feel sick and guilty for your intrusion but the pages burn themselves to memory. Later, when you slip it back between the sheets and he asks, in a low frustrated voice, "What happens when we die?" You choke out every syllable your frayed mind dared to drag up.

Nick Honey, The Lyrics Should Be...

2008-08-10T08:49:42Z

"Next time i see you, giving you the pass by, cause sex is overrated just FYI"

like actually it is...i feel gross, thanks, grr the only good sex (with guys) i'd ever want to have would be with one of three people (or all of those three at the same time)

and they convinently happen to be named

Kevin

Joe

aaaaannnnnnnd

Nick

yeeeeaaaahhhh, seriously though, i dont know why i always do this to myself...then i remember Will's hot and nights alone suck

i wish he didnt give me that fatty hicky though, it was extreamly unessisary

but really, Jobros, call me... O.0 *what others are thinking "oh no she didnt"*
oh yes, i so did

and if no Jobros then Katy Perry will do just fine

"I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT! THE TASTE OF HER CHERRY CHAPSTICK!"

Oh heeeeeyyy Sweet life :)

2008-08-09T12:04:10Z



		I will marry Nick Jonas.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in New York in our fabulous House.
		We will have 17 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a White Golf Cart.
		I will spend my days as a Teacher, and live happily ever after.

Do you ever wonder, if we stood on tiptoe, could we touch the stars?

2008-08-09T08:18:04Z

Im bad...YEAH..bababababaddddddd
very and excurshiatingly so...see, i cant even spell.
I have slightly abandoned my lovely fandom of Narnianess for that of....JonasBrothersness, wow...big leap, at least it's all slash. im the worst when it comes to staying constant and at the moment work ISNT helping.

i guess taking so much time off earlier this summer only meant i'd have more to make up for and whats all this about me not being able to save money for the life of me???

stupid, stupid, stupid chlorien and being way too tired to actually watch/scan the pool by the end of the day...fuck, VAT's are pure death. not to mention that fact that i've become a walking disaster since last week when all my shit got jacked (no, i dont want to talk about it) but last night i stubbed my toe and basically took off a chunk of it and still had to teach lessons because everyone in fuckin Portland Parks and Rec is an asshole or on vacation so they wont sub for me, i swear to god i should have just cut off my damn foot to avoid the pain the damn pool water caused it...and when one of my kids stepped on my foot, well lets just say i lost it.

I was a major asshole last night to Corrina, Claire, Anna (she deserved it), Lilly and Abby after the toe stubbing inncident and it didnt help when i found out Jesse is now in the hospital, along with Sam (for diffrent reasons though) jesse's mom called me last night to tell me he'd been in a car accident, the night went downhill from there. i still dont know how hes doing, why the hell is Arkansaw so far away from Portland?

its actually quite horrid to think that school is starting up again in less than a month...where did summer go anyway?
you know what is lovely, besides the Jonas Brothers, is Pandora, like seriously, it's brilliant i just wish they would make it for the iPod instead of just the iPhone.

hmmm, this whole post is really making me think about the latest episode of Lewis Black's Root Of All Evil, where they decided that Bloggers were worse than Ultimate Fighters...i spent the whole episode in a state torn between, "Really, Lewis Black? shove it up your ass" and "Damnit! they're right."

grr, the highlight of my week (i believe i should add them) have been-

    -Writing a very well recived fic for my new fandom
    -Getting my girl Becky (sweetfarthings) to create an LJ account and join said new fandom
    -My parents going out of town and leaving me alone

tomorrow im spending time with my best girl Maddie and were planing on spending the day at the movies with mall time before hand-I fucking hate the mall-barnes and noble is the only place i can stand without gagging, though Powells does better dispite the lack of a music section...that reminds me

Jess! if you read this, sunday? Powells? i vote yeeeeeeeessss

okay before i go, for those of you new friends (you know who you are) who are familiar with Blacking Out The Friction, ive decided to be extreamly nice and post you my brainstormthoughtprocessthingy that i made when coming up with the final part of Blacking Out The Friction

please keep in mind that if you read it...it will mostlikely give away A LOT of the final instalment, im not even kidding, i will seriously write the piece using this brainstorm

mkay you guys have been warned!

Blacking out the friction final ideas

o    Joe is schitz and ADD
o    Joe sees, tastes, feels, red, crimson, green the colors of anger, rage and disgust
o    He’s disgusted with himself and his brothers, you find out why later
o    He’s angry about something and storms to the silver Audi mom and dad bought, in a rage
o    Nick and Kevin follow in an attempt to get him to listen
o    Nick is calm and Kevin is frantically scared, he doesn't show it but it is sort of his POV
o    Nick tries to walk up to Joe as he paces by the car but he turns cold and distant and holds up a hand “stop, stop.”
o    He gets in the car behind the wheel and demands them to get in
o    They follow and he starts the car, ranting in so ways but more talking as the car picks up speed
o    Kevin realizes that Joe forgot to take his aderal and this freaks him out more
o    Kevins in the back and nick is up front with Joe
o    Joe talks about being famous, his theripist, being so alone/angry, the fans everyone wanting to talk and how he just wants to play his music
o    He starts to sing the song but cant remember the words, he snaps at nick to help him and his motions are jerky and quick through out the piece, his words punctuated with laughter and hysteria
o    There is silence for a while and he slows
o    Then Kevin tries to get him to pull over and he picks up speed again talking about their rings
o    He brings up how Kevin has fucked him
o    How they shouldn't wear the rings, how he’s fucked Nick, how they are dirty and going straight to hell
o    Kevin is shocked at the news, nick always suspected, maybe even heard them, Joe throws his ring out of the window
o    Kev blanches and attempts to calm Joe again
o    Joe shouts at him and nick screams at Joe to watch the raod, its too late
o    They flip as Joe tries to dodge the oncoming semi truck
o    Describe the sounds of the crash, similar to the ones in joes piece
o    The ending is “black black black”

Make another type of epilogue? Just one on a happier note?

ps
Anyone wanna join my "im a fucking retard insomniac who needs to correct this problem before school starts" club?
its offical, i am one...frick, school for shure will blow extra hard now

HEEEEEELLLLLPPPP!

2008-07-29T04:41:02Z

I WROTE IN THIS SIZE FONT TO GET YALLS WHO HAVE ME ON THEIR F-LISTS ATTENTION

i currently am in dire need of some JONAS BROTHERS SLASH!

does ANYONE ANYONE AT ALL

know where i can find some?

i ask outta love and despiration

THANKS!

^_^

CONNECT THE...SHIRTS?

2008-07-15T06:17:45Z

So i was sitting watching TV with my brobro the Other night (which means that we were watching Disney channel, his choice, and he's almost 14---i dont care, Disney channel is ADICTIVE!) Anyway, a new Jonas Brothers video came on and low and behold----JOE JONAS IS WEARING THE SAME SHIRT THAT WILMO DID TO THE PARIS P.C PREMEIRE!
i actually think i did a double take, jumped off the couch and screamed "DEAR GOD! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?! HOW IS MY NEW EXTREAMLY AGRIVATING JONAS BROTHERS OBSESSION BEING LINKED TO MY LOVERLY AWESOME SEX PARTY NARNIA OBSESSION?!"

the only answer?

to ask you guys here

XD

so...what is the story behind the linked shirts?

anyone, anyone at all?

ohyeah....if you wanna double check it for me (tho ive watched the video about 12 times now) and make sure that this shirt *points to picture* matches the one in *points to "that video"*

THANKS BAYBAYS!!!!

politelypuzzled @ 2008-06-10T16:50:00

2008-06-10T23:54:23Z

I wish i were dead.

Not Max.

Me.

It's so, i dont even know!

I want to scream and hurt something

But what good would that do?

So again

I wish i was dead

Not Max

And It Was All Yellow

2008-06-10T14:38:15Z

so to feed my latest and nerdiest obsession my girl M bought me "The Offical Illustrated Movie Companion to the Chronicals of Narnia-Prince Caspian"

i actually died when she gave it to me....its 210 pages of EVERYTHING that happened on set of the new movie....with bits about all the main characters....and now that ive started reading it, all i wanna do is WRITE WRITE WRITE N_S like a crazy person.

omg! there were so many subtle hints at things between the members of the cast that it was rrrrreeeeeeddddiiiiiick

i really want to set up a new challenge for my fave comm but i just posted a recent one, but maybe after that gets more responses ill post the new one

sooooooooo i would love to rant about this miracle that is my new book, but i have to get to school

anyone else per chance buy it?

0__-

ps

DID I MENTION THAT THERE WERE AHMAZING PHOTOS AS WELL??? try like every single one of skan or willmo.....HOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT

oh and SCHOOLS OUT TODAY!!!!! :DDDDDDD

accoplished?

2008-06-06T07:13:21Z

i gave blood today...issues in my fave comm were fixed...wrote an english paper....dealt with a hangover...laughed extreamly hard about nothing....write a narnia fic....downloaded music....skipped outta sixth period....ate a Mars bar...drove the car to nowhere and back....performed a scene in theater....prepared for finals.....argued and became frustrated about something random....obsessed about the underlying tones of gay/slashy moments in Prince Caspian....ate Cinnabon...made plans to see House of Blue Leaves with my gay best friend Si....went to sleep

today was good

:)

&hearts;